Saturday, May 5, 2012

Life is Good (I think)

So I'm several weeks into this whole foot being broken and screwed back together thing and I'm holding up better than I thought.  I'm in my third cast and I'm approaching six weeks on crutches but hopefully I get put in walking boot (still with crutches for a bit) on Wednesday. It's not too painful unless I'm crutching around all day or never got the chance to put it up during the day and, even then, it just throbs. So hopefully I'm on the tail end of recovery and should be back to my active self relatively soon.

Kind of blurry but the only pic I got of the stitches

Hopefully third and last cast

IT'S SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!! No more school for a while and I'm not even doing any summer classes this year. This semester was MUCH better than last semester though I'm .5 percent away from my desired grade in one class and I'm praying when I go in next week to review my test I'll find a way to get that half a point back. But other than that grade I'm relatively happy with my grades and am excited to have some time off though I do wish I could go for a bike ride or wander around and take pictures both of which seem a bit difficult on crutches.


I've only talked about this indirectly on here before but for some reason I'm feeling like I should be a bit more open which probably has something to do with not having anyone to tell but either way... I'm slightly nervous that some of the same struggles I had last summer are coming back. Let me explain a bit. I would wake up and feel purposeless and incomplete like I should be doing something in life that I hadn't been doing. I felt so bad that sometimes I wouldn't want to do anything but lay in bed. The feelings of hopelessness usually didn't fade away until the afternoon and then, just when I thought I was feeling normal again, they'd come back. It was a vicious cycle of restlessness, hopelessness, anxiety, some relief, and then back to the beginning. I would go days on just a few hours of sleep because I refused to wake up just to feel sad so my solution was just to not go to bed. Not the best idea with workouts, two classes, and what seemed like a never ending to-do list. I slipped further and further into a depression that seemed so dark that I may never escape it... But I did. I had a great support group and an amazing family that unknowingly kept me pushing forward even on the days that I had no desire to do anything.

Anyways, I'm slightly nervous that the vicious cycle is beginning again. I couldn't sleep at all last night and didn't end up falling asleep until 4:30am and when I woke up at 10:00am I felt so anxious I thought something was seriously wrong. My heart was beating so fast and I was cold but sweating. My roommate was packing up to head home for the summer so we just talked about random things for a while and I started to feel a bit better. This is how it started last year. And then today, had I not been hanging out with a friend, I probably would have just sat inside all day and watched a movie or something. Last year, at first, I just thought that it was my bodies way of telling me to take a break since I had been going non-stop since august with soccer and school but after a while I knew it was more than just catching up on sleep. SO I guess what I'm saying is that if you're the praying type I'd love your prayers for this summer and if your not send your good vibes :) I feel as though I need a constant reminder that I'm okay and trust God for that this summer.