Let's See What Happens

I plan on posting more posts like this in the coming year. Posts where I begin with no particular idea in mind and digressing from the non-existant first idea is where the beauty is found. I imagine that my posts could end up being poetic and artistic or they could simply be my brain's way of processing my life. I realize this could mean being vulnerable or risk people judging how abstract my thoughts can be but I think I'm ready to do just that. And to get the full effect you should read it really fast... just kidding!


Being limited to what we can write, draw, say, and ultimately express, keeps us from connecting with one another. Time and time again I'm told that feelings shouldn't be given much power. They'll destroy any sense of security. They'll confuse even the most confident thinker. They'll make fluid talkers trip and stumble over every word while they give energy to the timid mind with a small voice. Feelings can enhance the relationship with God and destroy it all nearly in the same moment (Ask me. It's possible). They encourage desires to grab hold of every part of you and tear you in every which direction and yet the same feelings give you clarity and tell you to put your feet back on the ground. I've never heard of something so contradictory that it worked and, to some, even makes sense.

I can feel my heart beat faster in my chest but am I extremely happy or scared to death? I can see tears fall from your eyes and somehow I know whether they are tears of joy or sorrow. I think I know how some autistic people view the average population... in awe. Literal meanings are oxymorons and it's not fair to be the one that doesn't understand how to break them apart. Something as simple as a facial expression (which, I guess, is arguably complex) can turn a playground game of wiffle ball into The World Series or a neighborhood brawl.

The condition of being bipolar means, in short, a person who continues to experience extreme ups and downs. But I experience ups, downs, and outs but there's not a condition for that. I'm not bipolar but I do think comparing myself to a "normal" person makes me something other than that which they are. Which makes me think that "normal" is the most ambiguous and ultimately worst word in the dictionary because it evokes feelings that intensify insecurities without resolving any conflicts. FEELINGS. It's one word that can mean you "fit in" or "stand out" depending on the context and it's one word I hate. But I still want to be normal or at least feel normal.

Yet Christian books tell us to ignore feelings and dive into them at the same time -- I imagine a diver on the edge of the platform with one coach yelling, "dive in" and the other yelling, "go home" and we all know what most of us do. We dive into the pool just so that we can climb out and go home.— We dive into our feelings because some expert told us the only way to "fix" how you feel is to "explore" how we feel BUT the whole purpose of fixing our feelings is so that we only feel the good ones and learn to ignore the rest... I think I get it now. We should explore our feelings so that we learn which we allow to affect us more?

(Okay, last rant) In my opinion, and I'm no expert, we should simply let go of our feelings. Experience them in ALL their fullness, however good or bad they may be, and then let them go. But let's not let them go as if we never experienced them, but let them go as if you loved them or hated them respectively. That way, when they come again it's almost like you can experience them in more fullness than before and suck more life out of that one situation. BECAUSE if I've learned anything in the last few years it would be this: Being "real" (a.k.a. genuine, honest, human...) is hard unless you allow all your experiences to translate into real emotions and feel them as if you were watching some one else be ravished by the same demon or uplifted by the same guiding hand of God.

Hopefully I throughly confused all of you :) But I realized that this is how I think. I jump from topic to topic with the relation between them only visible to me. My "lightbulb" moments are usually small and insignificant until I feel that I've come full circle (even though no one else may feel that I have)... I believe we all think like this. We don't know how we came to understand something or learned to feel a certain way, we just do and that's the beauty in our differences. 


And believe it or not I actually feel as though this post makes sense and helped me come to some conclusions about what role feelings should have on my life :)