LONG Time No See (Write)

I guess I have to start somewhere when it comes to getting back into blogging. So how about a "list style" update (I do far too many of these but it works I guess) to kickstart my next season of writing.

1) Because everyone thinks my life revolves around soccer, I'll start there :) The season finished a bit earlier than anticipated this year as we didn't make it into the conference tournament; The one that we nearly won last year. It seemed to be a big transition year with a new coach which presented some struggles so hopefully next year we can start building up again. But I got my fair share of playing time and am looking forward to making an even bigger impact next year.

3) I made some INCREDIBLE strides spiritually and, without going into much detail in this post, it ended with me getting baptized. My "Beyond Awesome" journey continues and I was just asked to share my testimony at the monthly FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) dinner and social next Monday. I'm nervous but so excited to share with my fellow athletes and hopefully some teammates what God has been doing in my life!

It was in the Laramie River and it was BEAUTIFUL

 

2) As always I tend to be recovering from some kind of injury every time I write (staying healthy is definitely going to be a New Years resolution). I managed to keep my body well most of the season but with 3 games left I completely tore the UCL in my left elbow at practice :( Long story short, I waited it out to see if my elbow would miraculously heal itself though the chances of it reattaching were pretty minimal BUT ended up having surgery 4 weeks ago to fix the damage... Rehab is going great and I'm 2 weeks ahead of schedule in regards to recovery time. My goal is to get back to 100% in time for our spring games which begin sometime around March so I still have a ways to go. I'll hopefully be getting cleared to do conditioning (other than stationary biking) on thursday as well as non-contact soccer skills. It will be several weeks before I can play goalie but at least I get to work out with my team and not be away from the game all together this time.

*The bruising was pretty nasty but the doctor said they can tell if the patient kept it elevated by where the bruising was;  bruising in the forearm means you let it hang and biceps and triceps means you kept it elevated. As you can see mine was definitely in the triceps so GO ME! And the next picture is what my daily rehab consists of. Step 1: I do homework while the trainer moves my arm. Step 2: I ice my elbow. Step 3:  repeat A LOT! But it's working.

3) School is crazy but I actually enjoy the chaos this semester. I think the variety of course topics helps me stay engaged: Physiology, Statistics for Social Sciences, Spanish, and Intro to LGBTQ/NS studies...My main focus is Physiology as I need to do well in it to get into nursing school (which is a whole 'nother story that I'll save for another post). My Stats class is a self paced online class, Spanish is SUPER easy though I am expanding my vocabulary, and Intro to LGBTQ/NS (other than being a mouthful to say) is definitely interesting though I still don't know what category of sexuality/gender the "N" and "S" stand for.

Now to the more random updates

4) I made my mom/ grandma's lasagna without any help and because it's a recipeless dish it may or may not turn out. It's one of those recipes that sounds something like this "a little of this, a lot of that, and some of these" and to be honest I may have mixed up the "a lot" and "a little" on a few things. Regardless, I'm cooking it and feeding it to people tomorrow however it turns out and hopefully it doesn't taste too bad.

5) I stayed in Wyoming over my short, but welcome, Thanksgiving break. My heart was definitely in North Carolina with my family but it was still nice to have a few days off here just to relax.  I actually had thanksgiving dinner at the same family's house as last year so I guess it's becoming a tradition. I missed my mom's signature stuffing more than anything but the meal was great and so was the fellowship... The next day, a friend and I went up to the Snowy Mountain Lodge for a night to just relax and enjoy the outdoors AND I saw a moose on my morning photography hike.... The lodge is owned by The WEST Institute an outdoor seminary school based out of my church and it's amazing; both the lodge and The WEST Institute (look it up).

I know it's blurry but I was trying to get to a clearing
to see him  so we were both moving.

SOOOO...

I think that about does it for now but I assure you there will be more posts to come including the ones about my baptism and major/future career. Thanks for checking in :)

Finding Him in Chaos

It's been a great summer filled with family, friends, healing, and of course soccer.  Technically, I consider my summer over once preseason starts on August 1sty but even at August 24th I  feel as though my summer is just now ending. After traveling off and on for most of June and early July, I was able to spend the rest of July doing anything I pleased. I went to Cheyenne Frontier Days with my cousins from Nebraska, I went to a rodeo with my dad, I successfully avoided weddings, I slept in and stayed up late, I cuddled with lots of kiddos and new babies and even caught up with a few friends. And though life's many changes got the better of me at times, I managed to keep my spirits high and rely on others and Christ to fill me back up when my emotional tank seemed to be running on fumes (which is something that has always been a struggle for me. I hate being dependent on others even if they don't mind at all). AND I GOT MY BOTTOM BRACES OFF (It's been a over 9 years and the tops are coming off next month)

My friend's new baby :)

My cousins sporting all the Wyo gear I sent them

With school starting up again and a full course load I'm  beginning to feel some pressure to kick my butt in gear and start crossing off the things on my to-do list. I need to get some bills sorted out figure out what my work schedule will look like come school time, and I have a few other relatively important things to check off before school gets too crazy but God is providing me with peace and it's so evident that His plan AND timing is better than mine. So at this point going with the flow has become my modo and I'm enjoying almost every minute of it... except when it gets me in trouble.


So for those of you who remember the parking ticket I got a while back (my freshman year)  this may entertain you a bit. I'd like to say I haven't had any parking tickets since then but that most definitely is not the case. I've had several and let's just say I've paid my fair amount of fines to go with them. Yes, yes, yes you'd think I would learn but in all reality every one has been an honest mistake like
       - parking without a city permit on the streets near the classroom building
               *who knew all the cars on the street in Laramie  either paid or are risking tickets? not me...
       - class going long by 30 minutes and my meter (which I over paid just to be safe) still ran out and managed to get ticketed in the 5 min walk to my car
       - parking under the football stadium (where there are no signs dictating parking laws) while I went into the training room for an ice bath.

I'm definitely missing a one or two but you get the point... I need to be more careful! But let me also say thank you to whoever it is who put money in my meter after it had run out during class once (I had forgotten to grab enough change and knew I'd be 15 minutes short but when I got back I still had and hour left :) ) Well the whole point of me telling you about parking tickets is because I got another one yesterday for 150.00 dollars! I think is the most expensive one I've ever had was the one my freshman year for 75.00 for parking in a fire lane (read the story it's a good one). Let me explain...

It was move-in day for anyone staying in the dorms and there were University of Wyoming officials at all entrances to the dorm and dining hall area (the dining hall is called Washakie). As a student-athlete, our preseason breakfast was at Washakie and as I drove into the dorm area I was greeted by an official who gave me 30 minute parking pass since everyone else was unloading their dorm room from cars. I asked if I could park anywhere and smiling at me the UW official said, "as long as there is an orange 30 min parking sign in front of it you can park there." He then pointed at the spot in front of Washakie's doors next to two metered parking spots and said I could park there if I wanted. I noticed it was handicap parking but since there was a temporary sign that said 30 min parking AND he showed me to that space I figured it was ok. I mean he wouldn't of told me to park there had he known I would be fined. I received the ticket at 7:17am and my parking pass that was displayed on my dash enabled me to park until 7:55 am. I understood that it was a handicap spot but because the UW official told me I could park there and the temporary signs were up, I assumed there would be no issues.

I'm appealing the ticket which I've only done one other time which was again for my ticket freshman year (which I was denied). Though I've heard that if you get denied the first time and then submit a written appeal you almost always get the ticket and fine voided :) Still not a fun process but I have hope...

ANYWAYS we have two games this weekend (today and Sunday) and are traveling to Utah to play Sunday. So I'll be out of town and my to-do list will get ignored for another few days but I'm okay with that I guess :) GO POKES!

Back in Laradise

This is how Koa travels (in the driver's lap)

Wow it's been a few months. OOPS! I seem to go through phases on this blogging thing and apparently the last few months I was in the "out" phase. In my defense,  I've been out of town/ out of state in Kansas, Nebraska, Missouri, North Carolina, South Carolina and Colorado. And most of the trips I didn't bring a computer along (though with my new iPhone I was able to access the necessary stuff :)) Anyways, I'm back in Laramie, WY a.k.a. Laradise so hopefully this will be the first of many posts that aren't nearly so far apart. ( I realize most of these photos aren't great quality but at least I've been documenting my adventures)

and Lizzy in her happy place

Here are some updates to start off with:
1. I'm 100% cleared to play soccer (or do anything else) which means the doctors think my foot is completely healed. It still bothers me when I do certain things but hopefully 2.5 weeks is enough to work out the rest of the cobwebs and get back to soccer for good.

2. I've been pretty self conscious about my weight lately as I realized I didn't fit into some of my summer outfits from 2 years ago (I guess that makes since that I didn't fit but still...). My average weight has been somewhere between 155-160lbs and lately (after nearly 5 months with minimal to no work outs) I was pushing 170lb. I realize it's not a huge deal but every pound feels like 10 during preseason and that's the last thing I need when getting back from an injury... Thankfully I've been able to get back into running, biking, and eating right without too much effort and am back down to 162lbs. Let me be clear I'm not really trying to lose weight I just want to feel healthy again.

Dinner of Champions

3. Tomorrow is my last day as a teenager. It's kind of a crazy thought but a welcome one I guess. Bring on the twenties.

4. WE GOT FISH!!! We are now the proud owners of 2 fish (there were 3). We plan on getting more but for now we got ones that are supposed to be pretty hardy and friendly to hopefully . One of them is fascinated with this glass Fanta bottle that we have in there and escapes the currents of the filter by going inside it. We are so proud of our smart little guy.

5. I passed out at work and hit my cheekbone pretty hard. I got a little black eye and a nice scrape but nothing too serious. It was like 100 degrees in the building (well 90 degrees to be exact), it was 9:00pm and I hadn't eaten since lunch but I was just about to get off work. I was exhausted from a few days of travel and sadly 9:00pm is past my bedtime. I feel great now and other than a sore cheekbone felt fine immediately after too. I guess I should probably not put off eating and drinking at work especially when  I practically work in a sauna during the summertime.

6. One of my friends had a little baby girl a few weeks ago and she is ADORABLE!!! The older siblings want to play with her so bad and can't wait for her to be old enough to play with them. Isn't she cute!

7. We got some family pictures taken and they turned out AMAZING. If you're in Nebraska or the neighboring states my dad's cousin did a phenomenal job! Here's her Facebook page and the link to her website is on there too. Kam Kloth Photography

 Well that seems to be it for now. Happy July and Happy Birthday to my dear friend Lauren!

Life is Good (I think)

So I'm several weeks into this whole foot being broken and screwed back together thing and I'm holding up better than I thought.  I'm in my third cast and I'm approaching six weeks on crutches but hopefully I get put in walking boot (still with crutches for a bit) on Wednesday. It's not too painful unless I'm crutching around all day or never got the chance to put it up during the day and, even then, it just throbs. So hopefully I'm on the tail end of recovery and should be back to my active self relatively soon.

Kind of blurry but the only pic I got of the stitches

Hopefully third and last cast

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IT'S SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!! No more school for a while and I'm not even doing any summer classes this year. This semester was MUCH better than last semester though I'm .5 percent away from my desired grade in one class and I'm praying when I go in next week to review my test I'll find a way to get that half a point back. But other than that grade I'm relatively happy with my grades and am excited to have some time off though I do wish I could go for a bike ride or wander around and take pictures both of which seem a bit difficult on crutches.

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I've only talked about this indirectly on here before but for some reason I'm feeling like I should be a bit more open which probably has something to do with not having anyone to tell but either way... I'm slightly nervous that some of the same struggles I had last summer are coming back. Let me explain a bit. I would wake up and feel purposeless and incomplete like I should be doing something in life that I hadn't been doing. I felt so bad that sometimes I wouldn't want to do anything but lay in bed. The feelings of hopelessness usually didn't fade away until the afternoon and then, just when I thought I was feeling normal again, they'd come back. It was a vicious cycle of restlessness, hopelessness, anxiety, some relief, and then back to the beginning. I would go days on just a few hours of sleep because I refused to wake up just to feel sad so my solution was just to not go to bed. Not the best idea with workouts, two classes, and what seemed like a never ending to-do list. I slipped further and further into a depression that seemed so dark that I may never escape it... But I did. I had a great support group and an amazing family that unknowingly kept me pushing forward even on the days that I had no desire to do anything.

Anyways, I'm slightly nervous that the vicious cycle is beginning again. I couldn't sleep at all last night and didn't end up falling asleep until 4:30am and when I woke up at 10:00am I felt so anxious I thought something was seriously wrong. My heart was beating so fast and I was cold but sweating. My roommate was packing up to head home for the summer so we just talked about random things for a while and I started to feel a bit better. This is how it started last year. And then today, had I not been hanging out with a friend, I probably would have just sat inside all day and watched a movie or something. Last year, at first, I just thought that it was my bodies way of telling me to take a break since I had been going non-stop since august with soccer and school but after a while I knew it was more than just catching up on sleep. SO I guess what I'm saying is that if you're the praying type I'd love your prayers for this summer and if your not send your good vibes :) I feel as though I need a constant reminder that I'm okay and trust God for that this summer.

I'll Stand (Even if it means using crutches)

It's been over a month since my last post for several reasons but I'm not too upset about it and don't feel the need to list the excuses :)  I've had a lot going on with the school year coming to an end and on top of preparing for final projects and exams, I've been on crutches for the last 2 weeks and have a good 10 weeks more of hobbling around.

Let me fill you in... Like I mentioned in a previous post I broke my foot early this spring season and after several failed attempts to heal it non-surgically, surgery ended up being the best option. I spent the last week or so in a cast before going into surgery Thursday morning. It all went well and I am now in a hideous old plaster splint thing with two screws holding my bones together. After 9 more weeks of casts and crutches the two screws should fix the foot problem for good. Needless to say everything takes longer on crutches and I've had to pray for extra patience as I learn to get around at a bit slower pace.

Frustration has been a big part of my life lately as having one leg completely out of commission doesn't exactly make life easier. I can't do the things I'm used to doing or even if I can the speed at which I do them is definitely slower. I have to sit and watch soccer practice, I couldn't participate in the athlete dodge-ball tournament that I won last year, (remember?) and even something as simple as making a bowl of cereal takes 10 minutes and lots of creativity. It's exhausting, time consuming, painful, and FRUSTRATING. I know God is teaching me something through all this even if I don't know exactly what it is yet. As hard as it is to trust his plans and timing I know that both are perfect and I must submit to his will in ALL areas of my life.

I will make it through! and how fitting? the song that iTunes is playing as I write is The Stand by Kristian Stanfill

"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
I'll stand my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is yours."

AMEN

Beginning of the Week Confessions

So I don't link up with the "midweek confessions" thing but if you've read my blog before, you'd know that I'm trying to be more open in my writing SO here's a few confessions :)

1. I broke my foot. I broke my left one in the fall and now I broke my right one. Not fun but hopefully I'll be back playing after spring break. Which means I could be training next week.

2. I'm home for spring break and kicking it with my dogs and parents for a few days. It's nice being home, eating my mom's home cooked meals, and rough housing with the dogs. And I love getting to catch up with a few people that I've missed while I was away at school.

3. Coming home typically means running a lot of errands and this time is no different. Shopping (especially since my parents just got back from a trip in the Caribbean the day after I got home), orthodontist appointment, car maintenance, and picking up a charger at the Mac store (left mine in WY). I'm sure there will be more errands to run still but I don't mind it.

4. I cut my hand on a coconut trying to divide it into smaller pieces. Note to self if it has sharp edges don't grip it tightly.

5. I am now the proud owner of a 2009 Subaru Outback Impreza Sport. My parents bought it new the day before my sophomore year of high school and I drove it up to Wyoming this summer and it's been with me ever since. But my parents are putting the title in my name (after I pay up of course) this week and then it's all mine. Unfortunately the insurance bill is all mine now too :(

This is my exact car... but it's not mine :)

6. My grades are still MUCH MUCH better than last semester with all A's and B's even in Medical Microbiology :) Can you guess which class I have a B in?

7. I hope I can get outside in Colorado Springs with my camera this break since the weather has been so nice.

Well that's about it for the week hope your pre-spring is going well.

Winter Park: February

Joining the Click it Up a Notch photography context for February. I'm not thinking I'll do too hot since I haven't gotten out much this month with a camera but I'm excited to see everyone else's pictures and it's only fair that I show them mine.

Confessions

I thought I'd post something about all the random things I think about, do, and such. So however embarrasing or lame thes may be, here are some confessions.

1. I think that my life would be exponentially better if humans didn't have to eat, sleep, or use the restroom. (imagine how much more time you'd have)

2. I LOVE living in Wyoming but I'm tired of putting on layer after layer before going outside and then having to take them off as soon as I enter a building... I vote we keep the buildings cold so that no undressing is ever required. OR temperature controlled clothing would be nice.

3. Maybe I'm missing something but I was unaware of the fashion trend of wearing shorts and a t-shirt in the dead of winter after a large snow storm. Oh but she did have snow boots on. Apparentally if you're feet are warm you won't go into hypothermia.

4. I have no idea how I've managed ot get and A and a B on my Medical Microbiology exams but I'm definitely not complaining.

5. I'm sitting next to a sign in a computer lab that reads, "PLEASE DO NOT open the windows.... The pigeons will get in. Thank You." While I was silently laughing about the likelyhood of someone wanting a window open this time of year, a pigeon landed on the window sill and made funny noises at me.

6. I just realized I am extremely full after eating two LARGE scoops of ice cream. Yes it's winter but my cravings know no seasons.

7. Speaking of cravings made me think of all the pregnant ladies I know. I hope they're all doing well and I can't wait to meet their precious little babies. AND despite previous statements saying I'd rather not have kids I think being pregnant would be quite an interesting experience

8. Chloroform, a liquid we used in Medical Microbiology Lab (a.k.a. the date rape drug) eats through even the most chemical proof lab benches and skin isn't to found of it either (this was not proven on my skin thankfully).

9. I love reading my Jesus Calling devotionals every morning and feel so much more prepared to face the day after reading it... If you're looking for a quick and easy devotional that is still jam packed with God's Word it's perfect. I got it as a gift last year and finally started doing it regularly and love it.

10. I REALLY REALLY REALLY dislike 4 hour long practices. I'm currently "studying" while waiting for one to start. UGH no fun. (I do like soccer but I only wish that my life wasn't always saturated with it)

11. My stomach is killing me and has been for a few days. I'm starting to get frustrated by always (a few hours every day) being in pain and not knowing the cause.

12. I was incredibly jealous of all the people with boyfriends on Valentines Day (for the first time ever). AND it was the first time ever I almost (my roommates would laugh at this) had a date.

and LAST BUT NOT LEAST

13.  When will people just accept the fact that I'm weird? AND thanks to the people that already have and love me anyway.

What a BLESSED Day

My day really started last night when I decided not to start a short paper and postpone doing it until today. Did I mention it was due today? I had plenty of excuses like I just got back from work, had already wrote a longer paper, and just wanted to go to bed (the list goes on and on). I made a plan to wake up early to start it and then finish it during my hour break before Medical Microbiology lab (sounds fun right?). After waking up nearly 30 minutes into my first class I had to make the decision to shoot the day or get it back on track. I ate a good breakfast, made it to my second class, went to my third class only to find out that my class was CANCELLED. Can you imagine the cheering that ensued? It was marvelous! The blessings in today were beginning to emerge!

This is the second time this class was cancelled this week (the professor is sick) and I, for once in my life, used my time wisely. I started and completed the paper, completed my lab pre-test online, and am now lounging on a couch inside the Agriculture building waiting for lab to start. Lab seems pretty simple today and I'm done with classes after this too! AMAZING right? Then all I have to do is get through soccer practice and I'm done for the week. I never have classes on Fridays and I must have forgotten that this morning when I was stressing about my non-existant friday classes.

It's amazing the simple ways God works things out and rewards our obedience to Him. And now I'll continue to listen to Christian music and enjoy this feeling of accomplishment and peace.

"My chains are gone. I've been set free. My God my Savior has ransomed me."

Food for Thought

I'm not quite sure where my mind is these days. I feel like all I ever think about is soccer, school, work, and sleep (in that order). I have all these ideas about how this semester is going to be different and it DEFINITELY will be but I also see some of the old habits setting in so I've got be careful. Motivation is key and if it doesn't come naturally I'll have to force myself to put the effort in. I'm not going to let another semester go down the drain because I just "didn't feel like trying anymore." Well at least I don't have to pencil in social time since I live with talkative girls where entertaining conversations and fun are only second to eating at our house.

- side note: I can't imagine what my body would look like if I ate this much but didn't work out 20+ hours a week. It's kind of a scary thought -

If someone were to ask me if I thought I was busy I don't know what I would say. I mean, I'm probably busier than most people my age but I definitely felt busier last year. Though I'm busy, I still feel in control of my time and on top of things but I feel it slipping though my schedule isn't really changing. We got a soccer coach after our last coach moved to a different program which may mean some minor changes in soccer but legally (per NCAA rules) we can't go up in hours for another few weeks. School is starting to pick up and become a bit more challenging but that's nothing new. So the only things left that could be the source of my stress and anxiety is work and lack of quality time with God.

Because I dislike posts without picutres: Here's a photo I worked on for a friend's birthday. She plays college volleyball and her sister asked that I use a photo,  her team colors, her name, and favorite verse (which is one of my favorites as well. I did my best and was pleased with the end result. Maybe I'll quit my day job and just take and edit pictures for a living :)

I work anywhere from 16-20+ hours on the weekends and tough it's tiring it is also rewarding. But there are certain aspects of the job that drive me crazy like how:
- the only time administration contacts me (or anyone else) is when they are begging us to work more hours. I don't mind filling in occasionally but coming in several hours early (4am) and leaving at 5:30pm is not what I had in mind for a part time job.
- the nursing home is WAY understaffed. Not only is it a lot of work, it's not fair to the residents who are paying to have the best care possible and I feel bad that I can't give them the personal attention they deserve (and are paying for).
-no matter how many hours you work you only get a 30 min break to eat. That's okay for people like me who typically work 8 hour shifts (though I usually eat more than once in 8 hours) but that's not okay for the  12 and 16 hour shifts that a lot of the nurses work. I don't know anyone that only eats once in 16 hours. Just saying :)
-As much as I LOVE working with most of the residents there are a few that know how to push my buttons and it takes every ounce of my patience to keep my composure. But I have a feeling if we weren't so busy our "patience reserve" may be functioning on more than just fumes.
-And lastly, my weekends are completely shot. There is little time to study and relax plus working Sundays keeps me from going to church which is something I desperately miss and need. I've considered requesting different hours but I'm doubtful that'd I'd get them.
*Despite all my opinions about my place of work I still feel it's a great job and rewarding I just know it's causing me some stress

Only time will tell where God wants me to be right now both physically and emotionally and I must trust that His plans are always greater than my own. It still seems that I'm where I'm meant to be and I must do my best to reflect His work in all areas of my life despite the difficulties.

God Just Hears a Melody

I've been slightly more emotional lately and to those of you who don't know me, that means that I might actually share what's on my mind and even the emotions that go with the thoughts. My overemotional self comes off a bit differently everyday. Sometimes it means I cry and then feel fine and sometimes I'm just super aware of my emotions, it just depends :) . Today I was to the point of tears, not because I was stressed, but because my roommates were stressed and hurting. Let me explain.

My roommates play volleyball here at UW and, like our soccer spring training (off season technically), there is a lot of lifting and conditioning. Thankfully NCAA has a lot of rules on how many hours teams can meet to train with and without a coach in the off season but there are ways to get around. Coaches do things like forcing the players to set up their own training and making them "optional" (but they're definitely not). Then to get around the rules that make it illegal for the coaches to be with the team for more than so many hours a week the coaches just "stop by" for a few minutes during the afore mentioned optional trainings. DESPITE WHAT PEOPLE SAY, RULES ARE NOT ALWAYS MEANT TO BE BROKEN! So on top of the weights and conditioning that every team does these "optional" trainings end up making for more hours of training in the off season than in actual season. It's ILLEGAL, exhausting, and like my roommates, I'm tired of it.

Everyday my rommies come home they're stressed and nearly crying because they're expected to train more and more but since its labeled "optional" the coaches won't get in trouble with NCAA. The rules are meant to protect the players are getting bent and broken and no one but the players seem to care. I know where they're coming from because our coaches do the same thing and so does every other program but it doesn't make it any less exhausting physically or mentally. I'm tired of coming home after a long day only to hear my rommies expressing how broken their bodies and minds are but it's unavoidable. I know it's healthy to vent and BELIEVE ME I love being there for them but I wish there was a way for us to confront the problem either by bringing it up to the coaches or the athletic administration because we know the problems won't solve themselves. Our sports are becoming miserable not just challenging AND I just want to see them happy while enjoying college and volleyball and I want to be doing the same.

But we'll keep smiling and continue to use comic relief to keep us from breaking down :) We know it will get easier but for now we'll just keep pushing.

It's sad that I don't actually have a real picture of all my roommates or even just two of us just being normal
(this is karaoke night w/ some friends). The kneeling gangster is one of my roommates and I'm superman w/ an afro :)

I put in my headphones and found this song in one of my playlists and I realized that there is really only one thing I can do with ALL of this. Share it with God. He wants to hear my struggles. He wants to hold my heart as it breaks for my roommates. He wants to wipe their tears as they fall from my eyes. He wants to be my mind and body when mine are too sore to keep going. In fact, He's asking us to surrender these things to Him.

He says that we're BEAUTIFUL the mess we are and he hears our miseries as melodies because He loves that we're trusting Him with our brokeness. He is ENOUGH!


Better Than an Hallelujah ~Amy Grant (with emphasis added by me)

God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

God loves the drunkard's cry
The soldier's plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

The tears of shame for what's been done
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out, singing out

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Honest Thoughts

People who know me, know that I'm talkative and enjoy deep conversations but usually find out pretty quickly outgoing and talkative doesn't mean that I'm open. Honesty is something I've been working on for the past few years and am learning what it means to be honest with myself and others through open communication. I used to find some kind of pleasure in secrecy, half truths, and ultimately lies as they kept people from knowing what I was really thinking. Genius right?... No. Definitely not! I was unhappy, full of guilt and I nearly ruined every good relationship I ever had (though I still feel that way sometimes) So here's to being honest and confessing the sins as well as victories in my life (and any other random things that are on my mind)

I got myself a tripod and hands free shutter button

1. School began this week and I'm so happy that I've already started off much better than I did last semester. Minus one class (Medical Microbiology) that is four days of lecture and two labs a week my schedule is pretty mellow AND with one class on Monday and none on Friday I pretty much have a four day weekend every week (though two days will be spent working)

2. Soccer has also started back up, if you can even call it that. It's that time of year again where 6am trainings consists of only weight lifting and conditioning with some occasional "I didn't sign up for this kind of torture." But we break up into three different teams each week and the conditioning is an ongoing competition between the teams (relay races, one on one battles, and team building events). I must say it's 100 times better mentally than the conditioning last year though it's much more physical and challenging.

and these are some of the pictures that came of it (click on them)

3. Speaking of soccer we no longer have a coach. After a VERY successful season, Division I programs from all over were recruiting him to come coach and flip their program around like he did ours. So, needless to say, he left (and took both assistants with him) to a school in the Pac 12 and despite how hard it is that he left us, I know it was the best move for his family. Our strength and conditioning coach is taking over our team temporarily as the Athletic Directors are interviewing new coaches. They've narrowed it down to 20 coaches who've previously coached at DI schools out of 120 applicants (and that's the just for head coach). The way coaching works is the head coach gets hired an then he decides who his assistants will be. AND there's a chance that we might get a SHE not a he which would definitely be interesting.

*getting a little more personal*
4. My anxiety was RIDICULOUS over break. I didn't have much going on except work but sitting at home and just relaxing never quite felt like it should. My heart would race when I'd think about anything related to school or hanging out with people and I couldn't get it to stop unless I found an adequate distraction such as art, work, or sleeping :) With a regular schedule and my life getting back to normal it's definitely getting better and it's lovely.

5. I'M SORE!!!!! and if there's one thing that can put a kink in my day it's being sore. It means I worked hard and pushed myself but it also means that I dread any kind of movement. AND I have workouts tomorrow morning at 6am and let's just say that if anything requires movement of my legs I might break down and cry.

6. I'm really excited about a fresh start with school and soccer so much so that I almost can't wait to go to class and soccer (the "almost" is because of soccer). My goal is to get a 4.0 this semester. It's possible. It will be hard. I'm going to struggle at times. But I'm fully capable if I step it up. I need to start living and working for God again and not for men as Colossians 3:23 says because exhaustion only sets in when your rewards are eternal. I would really appreciate any prayers regarding motivation, strength, and trusting God (or anything else you might want to pray for).

7. To be honest I had a horrible last semester but I have hope that this one will be MUCH better. So far so good.

Let the Sun Set on 2011

I'm not huge fan of new years resolutions but I typically think of a few goals to get me excited about the new year. I had three goals last year: get into the Word, try hard at one thing every day, and cause less drama. I COMPLETELY forgot about my second goal, was off and on with the first, and I'm definitely causing less drama (but I still have a ways to go). So what I've decided to do this year is continue with these three goals but add one more. I my previous three goals encompass all areas of my life but the list was missing something important.

My one new goal for 2012 is to simply be me. I know it's cliche, but I'm tired of being someone I'm not and I finally care enough about myself to do myself this simple favor.

Today you are you.
That is truer than true.
There is no one alive
that is youer than YOU.
~Dr. Suess

So let the sun set on 2011 and bring on 2012!

Sunset over at the railroad tracks

Let's See What Happens

I plan on posting more posts like this in the coming year. Posts where I begin with no particular idea in mind and digressing from the non-existant first idea is where the beauty is found. I imagine that my posts could end up being poetic and artistic or they could simply be my brain's way of processing my life. I realize this could mean being vulnerable or risk people judging how abstract my thoughts can be but I think I'm ready to do just that. And to get the full effect you should read it really fast... just kidding!


Being limited to what we can write, draw, say, and ultimately express, keeps us from connecting with one another. Time and time again I'm told that feelings shouldn't be given much power. They'll destroy any sense of security. They'll confuse even the most confident thinker. They'll make fluid talkers trip and stumble over every word while they give energy to the timid mind with a small voice. Feelings can enhance the relationship with God and destroy it all nearly in the same moment (Ask me. It's possible). They encourage desires to grab hold of every part of you and tear you in every which direction and yet the same feelings give you clarity and tell you to put your feet back on the ground. I've never heard of something so contradictory that it worked and, to some, even makes sense.

I can feel my heart beat faster in my chest but am I extremely happy or scared to death? I can see tears fall from your eyes and somehow I know whether they are tears of joy or sorrow. I think I know how some autistic people view the average population... in awe. Literal meanings are oxymorons and it's not fair to be the one that doesn't understand how to break them apart. Something as simple as a facial expression (which, I guess, is arguably complex) can turn a playground game of wiffle ball into The World Series or a neighborhood brawl.

The condition of being bipolar means, in short, a person who continues to experience extreme ups and downs. But I experience ups, downs, and outs but there's not a condition for that. I'm not bipolar but I do think comparing myself to a "normal" person makes me something other than that which they are. Which makes me think that "normal" is the most ambiguous and ultimately worst word in the dictionary because it evokes feelings that intensify insecurities without resolving any conflicts. FEELINGS. It's one word that can mean you "fit in" or "stand out" depending on the context and it's one word I hate. But I still want to be normal or at least feel normal.

Yet Christian books tell us to ignore feelings and dive into them at the same time -- I imagine a diver on the edge of the platform with one coach yelling, "dive in" and the other yelling, "go home" and we all know what most of us do. We dive into the pool just so that we can climb out and go home.— We dive into our feelings because some expert told us the only way to "fix" how you feel is to "explore" how we feel BUT the whole purpose of fixing our feelings is so that we only feel the good ones and learn to ignore the rest... I think I get it now. We should explore our feelings so that we learn which we allow to affect us more?

(Okay, last rant) In my opinion, and I'm no expert, we should simply let go of our feelings. Experience them in ALL their fullness, however good or bad they may be, and then let them go. But let's not let them go as if we never experienced them, but let them go as if you loved them or hated them respectively. That way, when they come again it's almost like you can experience them in more fullness than before and suck more life out of that one situation. BECAUSE if I've learned anything in the last few years it would be this: Being "real" (a.k.a. genuine, honest, human...) is hard unless you allow all your experiences to translate into real emotions and feel them as if you were watching some one else be ravished by the same demon or uplifted by the same guiding hand of God.

Hopefully I throughly confused all of you :) But I realized that this is how I think. I jump from topic to topic with the relation between them only visible to me. My "lightbulb" moments are usually small and insignificant until I feel that I've come full circle (even though no one else may feel that I have)... I believe we all think like this. We don't know how we came to understand something or learned to feel a certain way, we just do and that's the beauty in our differences. 


And believe it or not I actually feel as though this post makes sense and helped me come to some conclusions about what role feelings should have on my life :)